Well I actually set this blog up with plans to start this at the beginning of 2009 but here it is June and I am finally doing something about it. Can you say procrastination? Actually, a lot of the procrastination I have stems from fear. (And if my university Psych courses serve me, I am pretty sure that most procrastination stems from fear. Oh and from my experiences having a teenager, I am pretty sure that the other main cause is laziness. But I digress.) Yes, I said it, fear. Maybe the idea of getting a blog going is a snap for some, but I found the idea kind of intimidating. I mean, what could I possibly talk about that would be of interest to anyone else?
The idea, however, has been in the back of my mind that entire time and finally I realized that even if this was merely an outlet for my own purposes and a means of communicating with distant family, then it was still worth it. Does it really matter if anyone else reads this or not? Still, even with that attitude, I find myself continuing to feel some trepidation. I have been mulling it over for a while now, and I finally figured out why I was still a bit fearful. It’s that same feeling I remember having as a child called upon to take part in some kind of game in gym class (an athlete I have never been but as a klutz I have always excelled) or to read aloud in front of the class or even now, at the thought of someone else hearing me sing (it must have skipped a generation or something – my father sang baritone in a barber shop quartet and my daughter sang first soprano in an internationally acclaimed choir). It isn’t so much the fear that my blog will have NO readers but more that it WILL have readers and that those readers will laugh at and make fun of me. It’s the eternal fear of “looking silly” and it has held me back from seeking out my dreams (big and small) on many occasions in my life. Frankly, I am tired of it.
I had a discussion with a close friend a couple of months ago. We had been friends “way back when” but then lost touch and the parting wasn’t completely amicable. Neither of us were harbouring any ill feelings towards the other but well, there was that fear thing again. I had been hurt by the outcome of our previous attempt at friendship and if I was being honest with myself, I was afraid of getting attached and then being rejected again. Normally, this would be an emotion that I would keep to myself. I would enter back into the friendship with great caution and would not fully invest myself in it until I felt that I was comfortable in knowing some sense of security about it. I guess you could relate it back to the typical scene played out in romance movie after romance movie but the general principle applies to all relationships. You know the one…girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, girl desperately tries to keep her feelings hidden until such a time as boy says “I love you” first. But like I said, I am tired of it. I am tired of playing the game, of pretending, of not being fully who I am and letting others know precisely what that means.
In recent years, and especially in the past few months, I have been professing to my closest friends, that a new Cyndi has arrived. Ok, maybe not so much of a new Cyndi. Really, it might be better to describe it as the more authentic Cyndi…not a new Cyndi but rather the real Cyndi that has always been there inside finally coming out and making an appearance. I haven’t really changed a lot. I am still the same person I was 30 years ago (wow, am I really old enough to be saying that?). I suppose what I am really saying is that I am finally letting the true Cyndi out. Hmmm, this makes it sound like I have been hiding who I really am from people or something and I don’t feel that has ever been the case. I guess you could call it a “lie of omission” if you want to get technical about it but it certainly wasn’t because I was trying to hide who I am from anyone or anything like that. It was more of a sense of “editing myself”. I felt like I had a proofreader in my brain looking over everything I was about to say, approving it, changing it, or deciding it a bad idea to say anything whatsoever because I might be made fun of for saying it, or worse yet, I might be rejected for it.
Writing is important to me. There I said it. I enjoy it, I get a lot out of it, and I have been told that I have a knack for it. Laugh away if you will but if you truly know me, if you truly want to know me, then you should know that writing is an essential part of my life. It’s part of who I am. I am a writer.
Check this out: Why I Write by TERRY TEMPEST WILLIAMS http://www-users.cs.umn.edu/~anusha/iwrite.html
I couldn’t have said it better myself! What about you? Are you a writer? Why do you write?
Oh and in the interest of the whole “full disclosure” attitude I am professing, here are 10 embarrassing facts about Cyndi:
1~ I watch Reality TV. America’s/Canada’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing with the Stars, The Amazing Race, Survivor, Big Brother, The Celebrity Apprentice – I watch them all.
2~ I watch MORE Reality TV. Fine, I admit it. I watch Dog the Bounty Hunter. I watched Blush and True Beauty when they were on. I have even caught a few episodes of Growing up Gotti and that Gene Simmons show.
3~ I watch EVEN MORE Reality TV. Sigh. I caved to the public pressure. I now watch Jon and Kate Plus 8.
4~ I really really caved to the public pressure AND got sucked into gossip. I began watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 because I was dying of morbid curiosity to see this season’s premiere once I saw all the commercials for it.
5~ Keeping with this trend of divulging ever more, I will go out on a limb and say that from what I have seen of Jon and Kate, I do believe that they are decent people who love their children more than anything in the world and who are doing what they feel is the best they can for those children. Have they made mistakes? Of course they have. So has every parent. I sure have. Just ask my daughter. Oh, the stories she could tell you! Ummm errrr on second thought….
6~ On my MP3 player, you will actually find some songs from Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Avril Lavigne, and the Partridge Family. Yep, you read that correctly.
7~ I was madly in love with David Cassidy when I was an adolescent. Hence, I have Partridge Family music on my MP3 player. I also have a copy of his daughter Katie Cassidy’s remake of his song I Think I Love You on my MP3 player. (I nearly referred to Katie Cassidy as David’s illegitimate child but I DESPISE that term. A child? Illegitimate? Children are miraculous gifts from God and God doesn’t make illegitimate people! (Don’t get me started!….I am a single mom…can ya tell?)
8~ I cannot whistle like a normal person. Yes seriously. I can only produce a sound when I suck air in instead of blowing air out. Yes, I suck.
9~ I can’t snap my fingers. If you see me snapping my fingers while out on the dance floor, I am faking it. Yes, I fake it.
10~ I have Crohns disease/IBS or both. (kind of depends on which doctor you ask). Why would I include a medical condition on a list of embarrassing facts about me? Do you know much about those diseases? Hint: they are bowel diseases. Read more here if you are interested in learning more about them. http://www.helpforibs.com/ (I highly recommend Heather Van Vorous’ site and books. Her eating plan for IBS has helped many.)http://www.ibstales.com/ (the latter site run by Sophie Lee is not for the faint of heart…IBS sufferers share true and often embarassing stories of living with the disease but there is also some really good information on the symptoms and treatment of IBS if you aren’t quite up to those stories. You can also sign up for Sophie’s excellent newsletter on her site.)
11~ Yes I know I said it was going to be a list of 10 embarrassing things about me but hey, if you have stuck it out this far in this incredibly LONG post (sigh…I will work on making shorter posts ok?…if you know me, you KNOW how I love to talk!), then I will give you a bonus embarrassing fact. I am sure your hearts are just all aflutter at the prospect. 😉 As I get ready to post this, it has crossed my mind not to tell all of my friends and family about this blog. I am thinking of the family love of endless teasing, especially when I occupy the much maligned baby of the family spot. (Can you truly be considered the baby of the family still when you are pushing 50? Fifty? Wow. That just hit me.) Fine, fine. New attitude. Open and honest. Full disclosure. Sigh. Why do I get myself into these positions?
It’s ok. I’m tough. Tease away.
(Ugh…more full disclosure…this post has been sitting in my computer files since June 1st. Three weeks later I am finally working up my nerve and ACTUALLY posting it to my blog. Ok, so I am still a work in progress.)